


Peanut Butter

by Wolfsheart



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Avengers AU-ish (mine)
Genre: Cravings, Food, Gen, Logan's pregnancy cravings, Loki's pregnancy cravings, Pregnancy Cravings, Thor is a puppy, Tony Stark wants a puppy, Tony Stark will eat anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-21
Updated: 2012-05-21
Packaged: 2017-11-05 18:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfsheart/pseuds/Wolfsheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While eating breakfast, Tony thinks about how much he wants a pet.  Thor comes downstairs for breakfast, tries a new food item for the first time and winds up mildly resembling a big goofy golden lab.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peanut Butter

**Author's Note:**

> This, in its mention of pregnant!Logan and his cravings, connects to my fic “Never Piss Off a Telepath; Or How Logan Opened His Mouth and Said a Stupid Thing,” which can be found here: 
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfsheart/pseuds/Wolfsheart 
> 
> Warnings: Excessive gross discussion of Wolverine and Loki’s pregnancy cravings. For Loki’s, you can find these Scandinavian terms here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%A4mmi and here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9Eorramatur I have to say this. I never thought anyone’s pregnancy cravings could be more disgusting than Wolverine’s. I was wrong.
> 
> Also, I've edited this. Given the direction my AUs are going, they're not of a Steve/Tony bent anymore. I've already taken out the references to the other author's Tony/Steve wedding fic, as well as the references in Never Piss Off a Telepath. So I've made adjustments to this story. Nothing major. Just the relationship isn't there anymore. All peanut butter/Asgardian hilarity still happens as promised.

_Tony had always wanted a pet._

_However, Howard Stark had refused him even a goldfish, even though Tony never wanted a goldfish.  He’d wanted a dog or cat, but the fits his father threw at him over the idea of cat hair or dog hair getting into all the electronics and experiments had been enough to drive Tony out of the house to walk and walk and walk down the street where he could tap-tap-tap on the glass at Houseman’s Furry Friends until each kitten or puppy featured in the front would stand up and stretch paws way up to high-five the young Stark prince._

_He really wanted a pet.  He wanted something with ruffly hair that he could run his fingers through and play with._

_Tony had mentioned to Pepper that he wanted a kitten or puppy, and she’d just glared at him, and he could see the endless moments of frustration in her where she had to walk Buddy or Celia on a leash...or clean out Eppie’s litterbox._

_Those names were just prototypes.  He hadn’t settled on anything he liked specifically, which was good since Pepper wouldn’t allow him to have pets any more than Howard Stark would._

_Tony wanted another living, breathing creature with whom he could play and cuddle and scruff his fingers through its fur to calm and relax him.  He wanted something to love._

_He thought he could always run his fingers through Steve’s hair, if the old man didn’t think it was an awkward thing for a friend to do, and Steve was goofy in a naïve sort of way that belied his initial existence during an earlier time when life seemed simpler, and the biggest threat had been across an ocean building concentration camps and peopling them with skeletons in gray to work and work until they died or were baked and then buried in a mass grave with lime and dirt.  Tony would probably like running his fingers through Steve’s hair, but it was always so neat and tidy; except for when he just woke up and all those sunlit gold locks stuck up every which way, and Tony could tease Steve like he would a big golden lab until the other man tamed it all again._

_Of course, there was Bruce, and he had rumply hair, all those cute fuzzy brown locks that were just wooly enough to invite someone to tease their digits through.  However, teasing Bruce also could yield a much more irritable reaction...a much_ greener _reaction than sometimes Tony was willing to deal with before he’d had at least three cups of coffee and two doughnuts._

 _Make that five and three – the caffeine and sugar helped to deal with that much_ green _all at once._

_Natasha and Clint were out.  Tony was pretty sure that Natasha would chew off his hand if he tried to pet her hair, and spiky-blond Clint would shoot Tony without even asking first if he’d angered the redhead past the point that flowers would make her smile again._

_That just left..._

 

*

 

His eyes looked up from the large island that often served more as a table in the center of the kitchen than the table in the dining nook did.  There was a newspaper spread out, and Tony had tried not to dribble grape jelly on it, which he’d managed to do, but there was still a large coffee circlet over Governor Cuomo’s face, and how it got there, Tony didn’t know.  But the point was, he looked up from where his haphazard breakfast was spread around for the moment, and his eyes took in the bed-rumpled and sleep-tousled figure of ‘the demi god’ lumbering through the archway, making his way immediately for the coffee pot. 

“Morning, Thor,” Tony greeted, his eyes on that head of disheveled golden hair, that even as unkempt as it was, still made the huge man appear sexier than seemed humanly possible.  _Then again, he’s not human, is he?_   Even in the knit pajama pants patterned with Superman ‘S’s’ that tugged askance on one hip, the man appeared flawless and ready to sex anything that walked up to him. 

Tony remained seated right where he was. 

“Brightest of mornings to you, Tony,” Thor returned the greeting in his booming voice.  He yawned like a sleepy bear as he poured the black gold into a very sturdy and surprisingly unbreakable cup before placing the carafe back on the heating element.  He added six spoons of sugar into the coffee and stirred several times until the sweetened elixir taunted his nose. 

Thor seemed to be a very uncomplicated creature when compared to Tony.  His needs were simple – food and drink in his belly, laughter and song and friendship, a good fight every now and then and sleep to recharge so that he could do it all again the next day.  His one complicated need was for the one person the others never wanted around, and it was always his hope that that person would change.  Pushing that thought away from his big blond head, Thor picked up his coffee and took a large drink of it before moving to the fridge to find something to fill his stomach. 

“Looking for something to eat there?” Tony asked, his eyes on flexing muscles across that naked back.  He took another drink of his coffee then poked at his breakfast with the butter knife before once more picking it up for another bite that he wrinkled his nose at. 

The crunching of toast and chewing pulled Thor’s attention away from the fridge, and he let the stainless steel door close as he turned away to see what the other man was eating.  It smelled...sweet...and toasty...and strange, and Thor would gladly partake of anything new and strange at least once. 

Hadn’t Tony been spot-on about the shawarma?

“I am!  I awoke with a powerful hunger, Tony, and am in want of something very hearty.”  Thor moved toward the island and set his cup down before he sat down on one of the stools.  “What are you eating?  It smells...interesting.” 

Tony finally folded up the newspaper and set it out of the way then gestured to the sort of...breakfast...sandwich that sat on a plate.  “It is...the concoction of a sick mind.  Or...rather a pregnant one, though I’m still trying to figure that one out.”  When Thor appeared to be puzzled by this, and honestly, Tony had become very familiar with Thor’s puzzled face – the head-tilt gave the demi-god the appearance of a loyal golden lab, which provided Tony with all sorts of ideas that he would be scolded for later on – but when Thor showed that puzzled face over his words, Tony told him, “Logan.  You remember Logan?  Short, weird hair, smokes...drinks...goes by...”

“Yes!  The Wolverine!  Of course, I remember him.  How could I not?  Tiny man...reminds me of the dwarves Freya bedded for the Brísingamen!” Thor exclaimed as he slapped his hand down on the island and nearly landed his right pinky finger on the spoon still covered in grape jelly.  “But what does he have to do with what you’re eating, my friend?” 

Becoming used to Thor’s energetic bursts of...slamming his hand onto tables or the manly art of punching people really hard in the arm...was one of the first things Tony learned to do after being introduced to the demi-god, so this time, he didn’t flinch, even when the jelly spoon bounced right off the lid to skitter over and ding off of his plate. 

“Yes, well...what it has to do with him, Thunder-Man, is that it was _his_ pregnancy craving to begin with.  One of the milder ones...”  Tony paused to see if the news of Logan’s pregnancy, albeit brief and funny as fuck, would shock Thor, but the ginormous blond just sat there with his head still doing its best golden lab imitation, so the billionaire playboy philanthropist just kept going.  “...and I heard what most of those other cravings were from Emma Frost.”  He shuddered.  “But apparently, in the throes of eminent motherhood-for-a-week, our good friend Logan – who, by the way, would probably try to bed Freya on grounds that she had breasts and his delusion that she, like most women, lusted after his animal heat, and he does fuck everything that moves...AND he _is_ a dwarf, so... – he suffered the same type of hideous cravings that most women do, and _this_ was one of the only ones that sounded semi-edible.” 

Thor brushed his fingers through his blond locks and didn’t even notice when Tony’s eyes followed his hand, and he _wouldn’t_ have noticed because he knew that the man who donned an iron suit and a silver-tongued wit seemed to focus such attentions on Steve.  “But what _is_ it, Tony.  It smells...semi-edible...but...not...” 

Tony curled his ankles around two of the legs of the stool and crossed his arms over his chest for a moment then reached down with one hand and plucked at the top piece of toast.  “It’s...peanut butter and grape jelly on toast with...yellow Peeps leftover from Easter and...pickles.  Sweet and dill.”  He stared at the messy concoction on the bread then dropped the top piece, pressed down then picked it up and took another bite; another crunchy bite and attempted to make a ‘yummy’ sound before he dropped it again and washed the bite down with coffee. 

“Ahhh yes.  Pregnancy cravings.  Loki had those when he carried Sleipnir, and they were very odd.  Such as roasted boar slathered in mämmi with Súrsaðir hrútspungar and Selshreifar and Blóðmör on the side.  Oh and...Mother made an unheard of jaunt to Midgard to fetch Loki some...jelly doughnuts for Loki, too.  So I understand the jelly that you mentioned on your morning meal,” Thor explained with a grin brighter than the sun.  He took a drink of his coffee and picked up the various jars that Tony had spread across the island.  Pickles he knew...jelly he understood because of Loki’s doughnuts and because Tony frequently had them here, too.  He also loved toast, though he wasn’t certain about these...Peeps.  “Do you have more Peeps?” he asked.

“Nope, Thunder-Man.  I ate the last ones until next Easter,” Tony apologized then watched as Thor picked up the jar of Peter Pan peanut butter to examine it. 

Thor looked at the jar then looked at Tony.  “Erik Selvig gave me peanuts at the bar when we drank together.  And _this_ is peanuts mixed with butter?” 

Tony was about to agree until he really _heard_ Thor’s question.  “No...no no...it’s not mixed with butter.  It’s all peanuts and well...usually oil and sugar.  No butter, big guy.  I...well, I can pull up the Wiki page later to show you...if you want, and...” 

“I liked the peanuts that Erik gave me, and this smells very good!  I will have it!  Give me a spoon!” Thor exclaimed and made Tony grab the jelly spoon to keep it from bouncing away when he once more smacked the island with his meaty palm. 

“Yeah, well...you go for it, Thor.  Grab a spoon...over there...you know where they are...and you just eat as much peanut butter as your heart desires.”  Tony had no idea what a demi-god encountering peanut butter for the first time would be like, but he _was_ a science kinda guy, after all, so this would count as research.  Right?  He watched the lumbering blond move toward the silverware drawer, and that’s when the words sunk in. “Wait.  Did you just say... _Loki’s_ pregnancy cravings?  Your brother...er...stepbroth—Loki was pregnant?  Was it a fake pregnancy like Logan’s?  Or a bit of mindfuck trickery?” 

Thor grabbed a spoon from the drawer then took the two steps back and once again mounted the stool.  “Trickery?  Oh no.  Loki was really pregnant.  He turned into a mare to keep a builder, who was really a Frost Giant, from fulfilling his obligation to Asgard by building our walls in a certain amount of time.”  Thor rested his elbow on the island for a moment, his palm ceilingward as if he held a piece of fruit in it and explained, “You see, Tony, if the builder _had_ finished those walls, he would have parted our fair city with Freya owed to him _and_ the extensive knowledge of how to break back in and take over.  This would have been very bad, so we asked Loki to keep the builder from finishing the task.” 

“Isn’t that cheating?” Tony asked.

“So Loki shapeshifts into a mare,” Thor went on, ignoring Tony’s question about cheating.  “...and distracts Svaðilfari, and the steed and builder are pulled away from the wall, which of course, delays the project.  During that time, Loki is...well...rutted by the horse and...” 

Tony lifts his hand and waves it slightly.  “Gotchya, big guy.  Loki the Mare becomes the baby mama by a stallion and has what I can only imagine by the sound of those words you uttered to be the most disgusting food anywhere...and your brother may well have beaten Logan in the disgusting craving department.  Does your niece...nephew...well, do you see the child often?” 

The Asgardian wrapped his fingers around the jar of peanut butter and lifted it so that he could look down into the creamy brown substance while he stirred the spoon around in it, wanting to get the best first taste he could.  “Of course, though I don’t usually refer to Sleipnir as my nephew, nor does he refer to me as ‘uncle’, but he is always with our father when Odin rides out.”  He brought up a huge spoonful of peanut butter, studying the consistency as if trying to come up with something familiar to compare it to. 

“So this Sleipnir...what...goes hunting with your father?” Tony asked.  “He rides beside Odin?” 

“No.  Underneath him.” 

Tony blinked.  “Under _neath_...Odin?”

Thor was about to take that first bite of a new delicacy but paused long enough to say, “Of course.  Where else would a horse be?  And an eight-legged one, at that.  Loki certainly gave birth to a wonder...and now Sleipnir is the best horse in Asgard.” 

“Loki’s...child...is a _horse_?” Tony almost demanded, but it was too late. 

The spoon disappeared between Thor’s lips, and he tried really hard not to get any of the peanut butter in his golden beard as he pulled away the creamy-sticky-thick spread from the spoon.  He scooped the spoon into the jar again while muttering, “Mmmmm!” as he liked the taste very much.  Thor hadn’t even finished the first bite when he shoved the spoon into his mouth with another then grinned over at the very perplexed Tony.  “Mw’it’s...,” he attempted and found that his tongue was suddenly held hostage by this strange nutty-sweet creation.  The more he tried to smack his tongue against the roof of his mouth to dislodge the peanut butter, the worse it became!  “Mmmrrrr’ony!” he attempted to exclaim, his big blue eyes even bigger as the panic at not being able to speak set in. 

And Tony realized at last that this must be what it was like to have a dog. 

 

*

 

It was at that moment that an awake and cheery Steve wandered downstairs, dressed for the day in jeans and a t-shirt Tony had left on his dresser to update his wardrobe – some rock and roll t-shirt with a German metal group name that he didn’t want to try to pronounce.  His bare feet padded lightly, so his presence wasn’t announced, but when he walked into the kitchen, he wouldn’t have been heard anyway over the loud but muffled growls coming from Thor...

...who, upon not being able to summon Mjölnir for such a trite and mundane purpose, had still managed to grab the meat tenderizer from the drawer and pounded the jar of peanut butter until it was just busted plastic and splattered brown guck all over the island.  And all over the cups of coffee; and all over Tony’s half-eaten and hideous breakfast...

...and all over Tony...

...who was still sitting calmly on his stool, grinning from ear to ear while Thor continued trying to consume the peanut butter so that it was no longer a menace to his mouth. 

“Do I even want to know?” Steve asked then shook his head, not really wanting to know after all.  He thought about getting coffee, but an angry Thor and smears of peanut butter on the floor stood between him and the coffee pot. 

“Mrr’ony...’imf ‘e...mmm’eanu...’uhher,” Thor explained.  When Steve looked confused, the Asgardian gestured to the broken Peter Pan jar and the gloppy mess. 

Steve looked from panicked Thor to the mess on the island then at Tony, who just shrugged a shoulder.  “Ah!  I get it.  Tony gave you peanut butter.  And?  You’d never had peanut butter before?” 

Thor nodded his head with almost violent enthusiasm.  “...n’esssss!  A...’o.  E’il ‘eanu ‘uhher...’ayyye ‘yyye ‘oeee.” 

This time Steve looked right at Tony and Tony looked right at Steve, and both of them looked back at Thor and shrugged their shoulders.  The demi-god sighed, or attempted to sigh, which wasn’t entirely successful with a mouthful of peanut butter.  Finally, he worked his tongue around and around his mouth, managing to swallow more than adhered itself to the roof of his mouth.  Eventually, it was completely gone, or at least enough so that he could catch a breath, and then his hand still holding the meat tenderizer pointed at the peanut butter mess. 

“I do not understand how you Midgardians can eat this...peanut butter.  It is some...tasty but deadly compound that must have been invented by Loki!”

While Steve remained as straight-faced as he could while behind him, Natasha sauntered in, dressed impeccably in a business suit. 

“I’m not cleaning that up,” she declared and made her way around the mess like a she-panther. 

Tony, deciding that he wasn’t going to experiment with other people’s sick food choices again, dropped his napkin beside his plate of unfinished breakfast then stood up and stepped over to Thor.  “Come on, Thunder-Man.  Let’s go into my office and I’ll Google peanut butter for you so that you can learn all about it...and see that it has nothing to do with your weird brother.”  He placed a hand on Thor’s back and guided the Asgardian out of the kitchen.  And while he was at it, he'd Google those food items that Loki had eaten just so that he could see who had the worst cravings.  Loki or Logan.

They were halfway to his office, when they heard Steve make a gagging sound, followed by the sound of what could easily be toast being slammed onto a plate. 

“Who in their right mind eats this weird garbage?” Steve yelled. 

Tony laughed and kept walking.


End file.
